Well, you can certainly tell from this blog when it's law school finals time. My level of posting increases by roughly a bajillion percent. It's like I've suddenly become queen of the interwebz. In reality, I'm just avoiding my outlines and paper.
I read
this blog post earlier today, and I laughed so hard that tears were literally streaming. Full dislosure, though - this may not be as funny as I'm making it out to be. It's entirely possible that I'm just out of my mind because - did I mention - I'm in the second week of law school finals. I should also note that this post is about farting. As a 28-year-old quasi-professional, I like to think that I am above fart humor. As I discovered in reading this today, I may actually be at the level of a 12-year-old boy. Enjoy.
The Fart That (Almost) Altered My Destiny
by Anna Lind Thomas
Like everything in life, farts have a time and place. However, I never
realized that in the wrong time and place, flatulence had enough power
to alter my course in history. Well, it can if it’s the third date with
the man of your dreams. And, if it makes his eyes burn. If God
destined us to be together, I was one SBD away from foiling His plans
(that’s “Silent But Deadly” for you prudes).
It was about five years ago. I was trying to lose a few pounds so I
was staying away from carbs. That’s when I met my husband, Rob. On our
first date, he booked the next two. He liked me. I liked him. Things
were looking real good.
He picked me up in a Cobra, Mustang and his pathetic attempt to win
me over with a car totally worked. I’m not shallow, but since I spent
most of my twenties picking men up because I didn’t want my hair to
frizz in their non-air conditioned jalopies on 3 wheels and a 15 year
old spare, I welcomed his fancy sports car with open arms.
We arrived at the restaurant and Rob was ordering food I hadn’t
allowed myself to eat in years. I didn’t want to be “that girl” so I
ate, drank, and oh, was I merry. Later we shopped a bit. Rob surprised
me by buying an expensive pair of shoes that he caught me eyeing. Was
this love?
That’s when it happened. Gas strikes in two different ways -
uncontrollable toots or sharp, shooting pains that feel a lot like
dying. I thought I was dying. Not to make a scene, I told Rob I
suddenly wasn’t feeling well and probably needed to head home.
On the way home in his Cobra, he tried to hold my hand and ask me
lots of questions, but I wasn’t having any of it. The pain was so bad
it felt like I was being stabbed with a bunch of tiny forks. Then I
realized ...
My God, help me. I have a horrendous fart on deck. I’m in trouble. Big trouble.
The more I held it in, the more pain would shoot through my stomach
and down my legs. I was even having to raise myself off the seat,
gripping on to my door and the dashboard.
“Seriously, you need to hurry - I’m in a lot of pain.” I managed to say through gritted teeth.
“Wow, it’s that bad? What’s wrong? Do I need to take you to a hospital?”
How do you tell a man you just started dating that the reason you’re writhing in pain is because you have to fart?
Well, you can either tell him, or like me, let the fart speak for itself.
People, hear me. There was nothing I could do. As impressive as I
am with sphincter control, this was out of my hands. Slowly, it eeked
out. The more I tried to stop it, the more it forced its way through
the door. However, to my pleasant surprise, there was no sound. I sat
silently, sweat accumulating above my upper lip. Ok, maybe I got away
with it. Maybe I’m home free. Then it hit me. Not an idea, a cloud. A
horrific, fart cloud. Not in a, “am I smelling something?” sort of
way. More like a “is someone dead and rotting in your trunk and am I in
hell?” sort of way.
Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie).
“What? Why?” Rob asked, starting to freak out because I was freaking out.
“I can’t roll down the windows, unlock it! UNLOCK IT!”
“What’s going on?” Rob yells back to me, “Why are you ...” then it
hit him. I could see it in his eyes. Was it surprise? Horror? Water
started to accumulate at the base of his eyelids, “Oh my God, I CAN
TASTE IT!” he screamed.
“Roll down the windows!” As I screamed, the toots started to flood
out uncontrollably. I scratched and clawed at the window like I was
being kidnapped. Rob, unable to see either by fart cloud or panic, kept
turning on the windshield wipers instead of unlocking the window.
It was chaos. We were acting like we were under siege by gun fire. We were under siege alright, just not by gun fire.
Finally he was able to hit the right control and he rolled down our
windows. We both gulped in fresh air. I was horrified, yet happy to be
alive, then remembered I just farted on the man of dreams, then sorta
wished I was dead.
We sat silently for the rest of the way home. Although the shooting
pains had subsided, I now desperately needed to use the bathroom, in an
urgent, explosive kind of way.
He pulled up to my apartment and before he could come to a stop I had
already jumped out, “Ok, thanks for dinner, sorry about the fart, love
the shoes!” and ran in to my apartment like I was running from the cops.
I burst through my door and ran straight for the bathroom, where I
was finally able to unleash and make noises that no one should ever,
EVER, hear coming from another person.
Then I heard it. Rob’s voice. Right. Outside. My. Bathroom. Door.
“Anna? You left your shoes in my car and your front door was open. Where do you want me to put them?”
“Get away from the door!” I scream like Reagan from The Exorcist.
“Ok, I’m sorry. Are you okay?”
*toot* *toot* *splatter* *ungodly noise*
“I’m fine, Rob - just leave the shoes there. I’ll call you later okay?”
“Okay, are you sure you’re ...”
“I’m fine! Get away from the door!”
This man! I mean, I love him, but take a freakin’ hint!
Finally, I heard the front door shut, and the Cobra engine zoom
away. I thought that was the last I’d hear from him. I didn’t think it
was possible to ever see a man again after he screams he can taste your
fart after only knowing you for 48 hours.
But, to my surprise, I did. A couple days later, actually. Now
we’re married and he’s lying on the couch while I type this ... “It was
your rack that saved you,” he just lovingly reminded me.
Well, thank you boobs. You saved us. You saved our destiny.
Oh my gosh - I read it again now as I was posting, and I definitely think it is hilarious. This is the line that gets me: "Suddenly, I panicked. “Roll down the windows!” I screamed (yes, I literally screamed it like I was in a horror movie)." I know that's exactly how I'd react.
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